The Shame-nado

This was a real movie. And they made 5 more of them.

Do you remember Sharknado? If you were somehow spared from this zenith of American pop-culture, it was a made-for-TV movie from 2013 in which a massive waterspout off the coast of California sucked up huge sharks and threw them all over Los Angeles. Very realistic. I just looked it up and I can't believe this, but they actually made 5 sequels to this cinematic masterpiece.

Years ago I was going through one of the hardest career moments of my life. During that time I coined the term "Shame-nado" to describe the overwhelming, full body feeling of shame that would suddenly take me over. Like that waterspout sucking up sharks, the shame would spiral through my psyche, picking up every bit of evidence that supported my deepest, darkest fears and then pummel me with them until I was immobilized. Also, like the Sharknado, it did not matter how preposterous any of it was. When the winds were calm I could see clearly that whatever mistakes I had made did not make me unworthy of love. When I was thinking rationally, I knew that I was a human being, that I wasn't perfect and that much of what I was experiencing was about a toxic work environment and not about my worth as a person. But when the shame-nado started swirling, all of that rational thought was out the window. My whole body believed that I was rotten to the core and unfit for society.

Over time I've recognized that the shame-nado has a few distinct characteristics. If we can recognize these markers, we can identify the experience for what it is and we can weather the storm (pun intended).

1) It is Connected To Your Core Wound

A core wound is that default negative belief you hold about yourself when you are triggered. It is rooted in your earliest experiences and attachment relationships. It's your biggest fear about yourself. My core wound usually sounds like "I am bad." It comes with a deep feeling that I am in trouble and that someone has discovered just how bad I am. Here are some other common core wounds:

• I am not enough

• I am unloveable

• I don't deserve affection

• I hurt everyone around me

• I am not safe

• I am alone

• I am stuck/trapped/cornered

The shame-nado takes your core wound and pours salt in it. It grabs whatever circumstance you are in and twists every detail to prove that your core wound is true. But your core wound is not truth. It is a false belief you developed at a young age to keep you attached to your caregivers and your village. In other words, it helped you survive.

For example, a woman with overachieving parents who held exceedingly high standards may internalize a core wound that says "I am not enough." As a child, the fear of not being enough would keep her studying for those straight A's, excelling in music or sports and thus keep her connected to her parents and feeling safe. But the truth is that she was always enough.

Even though the false belief helped her survive as a child, it becomes a problem when it gets implanted as a core wound and resurfaces over and over again in adulthood. Anytime she doesn't reach those perfectionistic ideals, the shame-nado starts swirling.

Our core wounds developed for a reason. But once we have made it to adulthood and are seeking to grow spiritually and emotionally, they can rear their lying, little, ugly heads in ways that keep us stuck.

2) It is a Full Body Experience

The shame-nado is not a mere passing thought or some mild indigestion from some bad cheese we ate. When we are overcome by a shame trigger, we feel it in our body. It may not feel the same for everyone, but everyone experiences it in their body. When I'm in the shame-nado, a pervasive dread fills my lower belly and works it's way upward. I feel it most intensely in my solar plexus, right under my rib cage. (Not surprisingly, I also struggle with chronic acid reflux that causes pain in that same spot.) I can feel a tightness in my throat, like that ball in your throat feeling you get when you are trying not to cry.

You likely have a different physical experience than I do, but the shame-nado is definitely a bodily experience. Some feel it in tight shoulders or back pain. Some in their hips or heaviness in their legs. It could be heart racing, difficulty breathing, skin crawling. Any number of physical sensations, including numbness. Feeling disconnected from your body, a lack of sensation or a blunted feeling is also a bodily response to shame and triggered trauma.

When you start to feel these sensations in your body, recognize them for what they are: the shame-nado hijacking your nervous system. Your body does not know that what is happening in the present is different from your early, core wound experiences. In order to protect you from what it perceives as a severe threat, it sends you into a stress response. It's like a smoke detector going off when you just burned some toast. Your body is finely tuned to sniffing out any danger and is working hard to keep you safe. So instead of adding on shame and self-blame, offer your body some gratitude for how hard it is working. And then engage some strategies to help your body know that it's safe. Here are some ideas:

• Deep diaphragmatic breaths

• Stretching in any way that feels good, especially parts of your body that feel tightened or clenched

• Placing hands gently on the places where you feel sensation in your body. Intentionally send your body love through the warmth of your touch.

• Ground yourself by noticing your body sensing your immediate environment - touch the table in front of you, notice and smell, drink a sip of water

3) It Feels Endless & All Consuming... but it's not

This is the most important thing to remember: the shame-nado is not forever. It will not do you in. This is not the end of life as you knew it. A real sharknado, if there were such a thing, may actually take you out. (Although even with the sharknado, some of them must have survived if they made 5 more movies!) But the shame-nado is a storm of lies. It has no real power to harm you, and, I promise you, it will not last forever. When you are in the place where you can't imagine the other side, try to remind yourself of this. Here are some strategies to try:

• Talk to the part of yourself that is scared and reassure her that she is safe, that this moment is not her core wound moment and that you are going to take care of her.

• Remind yourself of the last time you experienced the shame-nado and how you made it through that time. Try to remember the sensation of peace after it passed.

• Talk to a trusted friend, a spiritual director, a therapist, a partner - anyone who understands your shame-nado and can offer safe, empathic space.

• Distract yourself with something until it passes - a movie, exercise, friend times, work. Whatever feels manageable.

• Prayer - pray in whatever way feels accessible. Draw, write, speak, sing, create. Offer the shame-nado up to a power greater than yourself and ask for healing of that core wound.

  
  

You Are Not Alone

If you get sucked into the shame-nado sometimes, know that you are not the only one. There are so many of us that get knocked over by that swirling storm of emotion. And because it's shame, we don't talk about it. Shame likes to be kept secret. It thrives and grows and swirls bigger and faster when we keep it silent. It can't survive in the light. I know it's so scary to say it out loud, but I promise you that if you share it with someone who is a safe and empathic presence, the shame-nado will lose it's power. If you need someone to be that space for you, get it touch. I'd love to help you take that sucker down!

Spiritual Direction

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